INT. CAR – DAY
My wife and I are driving to the cemetery to put some flowers on her grandmother’s grave. We’re talking about random things. Suddenly, for some reason, we begin debating the grammatical principles for the word “porn.”
Me – Something something something something porns.
WIFE – Did you just say “porns”?
ME – …yeah?
WIFE – You don’t say “porns” you say “porn.”
ME – You can say that. But it depends on if you’re referring to the conglomerate idea of “porn” or if you’re referring to individual titles.
WIFE – No it doesn’t! It’s like “deer.” You have one deer, you have twenty deer.
ME – No, it’s like dollars. Dollars can be singular when referring to an amount of money, or it can be plural when referring to the bills.
WIFE – No it can’t!
ME – Yes it can! “Five dollars is a lot of money.” Dollars is singular in that instance. “Dollars are used in America.” Dollars is plural in that instance because you’re referring to the individual bills.
WIFE – No it isn’t. That’s why people say “dollar bills” instead of “dollars.” You’re wrong.
ME – I GOT MY DEGREE IN ENGLISH, I KNOW HOW THE LANGUAGE WORKS!
WIFE – You’re wrong, and you’re face is stupid, and porn is correct.
ME – In some instances. But not in every case. If you’re referring to individual porn titles, then you can say “porns” as a collective.
WIFE – No you can’t.
ME – YES YOU CAN! You can say “I have a bunch of porn on my computer.” That’s referring to the nebulous, conglomerate “porn” as a concept. Or you can say “I have several porns on my movie shelf.” In that instance, you’re referring to individual titles as a collective.
WIFE – Whatever. You’re wrong on this. Pull in here.
Whirling Nerdish 